Ten Favorite Steven Wright Jokes

(from I Have a Pony [1985] and I Still Have a Pony [2007], and arranged in order of preference)

1. A while ago, I was in Las Vegas. I was at the roulette table, having a furious argument over what I considered an odd number.

2. I remember turning from one years old to two years old. I was real upset because I figured in one year, my age doubled; if this keeps up, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.

3. I have a papercut from writing my suicide note. It’s a start.

4. I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. Granted, it takes longer.

5. Today I was … no, that wasn’t me.

6. When I was a little kid, I wish the first words I ever said was the word “quote” so that right before I died I could say “unquote.”

7. I went into a place to eat. It said “Breakfast, anytime,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

8. They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right.

9. Sometimes you can’t hear me. It’s because sometimes I’m in parentheses.

10. I lost a buttonhole.

— October 16, 2021

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